Get Out of That Chair

I was recently the Keynote Speaker at an event for women entrepreneurs where I spoke on success after failure. After the speech, during the break, one of the attendees approached me to tell me how much she enjoyed my presentation. Since it had been a long time since I had presented in a format such as the one for that event, I was flattered to hear that someone got someting out of it.

She said she took six pages of notes but the one thing that stood out for her was "the chair" story. I had to think a minute about what she was referring to as my presentation was about failing forward. I did mention the story about my chair but it wasn't the focus. She kept talking about how real and visual the chair story was and how so many women could relate. I actually got goose bumps as I began to relive the story in my mind. That dang Chair.

If you've read any of my posts you know about my experience with business. I have been an entrepreneur for over 30 years and at 50Something decided it was time I stepped out on faith and invest in an interior design franchise. To make a long, roller coaster ride story short, I opened the business in 2004 and was wildly successful in my first few years. I won awards for business excellence and had dozens of clients. In fact, I was so busy I barely slept at night. All was great until 2008. In 2008 the most significant economic crash in our lifetime occurred and overnight the housing market crashed and my businesst went from boom to doom.

This is where the "Chair" joins the story. Needless to say, I was totally devastated by the close of the business I loved. Not just because I felt that I had failed but because I had ended up in tremendous debt and had to liquidate my families savings to pay it off. So here I was defeated, depressed, racked with guilt and totally afraid to make a decision.

Where did I find comfort? My Chair! I have a big comfortable leather chair in my family room that faces the TV and has a large leather ottoman for me to rest my feet on while I sit. My chair. It has large cushioned armrests and a high back so I can lean back comfortably. To say the least you can sink in that chair and lose yourself in total comfort and safety.

Each morning, dreading facing the day with all the fears, doubts and uncertainty, I would roll out of bed, throw on a caftan, saunter down the stairs and "plop" in my chair. The remote was right next to me so I didn't even have to get up to change from one channel to the next. I would sit there day after day, safe  because there were no decisions to be made, no risk to any more of my families capital, no disappointments... The biggest decision of the day was what to cook for dinner and what I could half-clean to make it look like I lived there. It was pitiful.

My husband was busy and he would leave early with me in the chair and return home with me still in the chair. I was a total failure and the only use for a failure was to do nothing so that there were no future failures to heap on top of the pain.

Boo. Hoo!

Does any of this sound familiar? Have you been where I was or are you still there? It went on for far too long me and that chair. Reluctantly, I started doing some things to make it look like I was moving forward. I joined a network marketing company that marketed wellness products and I pretended to be passionate about building a team. But honestly, I COULD CARE LESS. I wasn't passionate about it. I couldn't wait to fnish a task so I could retreat to my chair.

So how did I get out of that chair? How does one move on from fear which was the real reason I didn't move. Here are a few concepts that helped me and may help you if you have been unable to get out of that chair:

Connect with Your Faith - My favorite scripture is Romans 8:28  (And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose). That scripture was instumental in helping me work through the feelings of inadequacy and fear. I had the reassurance of my Faith that no matter what, ALL things would work out for me.

Step Back and Take a New Look at Your Life - Disengage from the negativity of your situation and find the positive passion you know is still in you, even if it is dormant. Find the positive in everything going on in your life Recall the past positives and find ways to bring back the feelings from those experiences. Stay away from negative people and negative situations. Once you begin taking an optimistic look at life, you will see YOURS in a new way.

Let it Go and Get Up Out of the Chair - In other words, take ACTION. The best remedy for fear and doubt is ACTION. I write and speak about this often because it is truly one of the most important things you can do to move forward in anything. Action can be as simple as starting a blog (which is what I did). How about signing up for some seminars (on-and-offline), joining a networking group, starting a new business or going back to school. There are many ways to take the first step out of the chair so GET UP and get moving.

Lastly,

Take a Good Hard Look at Yourself - Take off the mask. Stop the pretense and look at your situation as it is and then vow to change. Be authentic. Once you see yourself for who you are right now, you can begin making the effort to change.

I still sit in my chair because it is comfortable and I like it. But, I'm not hiding anymore, just enjoying the comfort of the large arm rests and the high back. I do enjoy watching a good Perry Mason rerun while sitting in my chair, of course now it is between working on my future as a successful 50Something woman.

Cement Blocks

This blog post was inspired by a dear friend who I was speaking with the other day. We were talking about how hard it was for her to get out of her current situation of feeling hopeless and pretty much like a total failure. The problem was, she was doing nothing to change her circumstance. As we talked, I asked her what she thought was keeping her from making some decisions, from making some changes. She replied, “I feel like I am stuck in cement, unable to move forward or backward, just stuck!”

My imagination immediately conjured up an image of my friend standing in her living room in cement blocks as shoes. She was stuck there unable to lift her feet and walk out of her situation toward a life of fulfillment and success. All the dreams she had for herself were not realized and now she felt that being well into 50Something she would be unable to accomplish any of the things she desired.

Sad thing is, I knew exactly how she felt. I had been there just a few years ago. Heavy cement blocks had me so grounded in depression and fear that I couldn’t and wouldn’t do anything. There I was, 50Something with a long career (sometimes successful, sometimes not) behind me and I couldn’t see a future  beyond the interior of my house and television set. The cement blocks were so heavy I could barely get out of bed, make it downstairs to my favorite chair and then after a day of inactivity make the heavy trek back upstairs. Stuck.

As I listened to my friend, I began to think “how did I shed my cement blocks? What were some of the steps I took to make the decision that there was so much more I needed to accomplish and could accomplish? What advice could I give her that might make a difference?

Here are 5 tips that helped me shake the cement blocks and get off my butt and make life happen:

• Stop Making Excuses - Being 50Something was a great reason for me not to do ANYTHING. I was tired and full of excuses. Here are some of the classic ones many of us use to stay planted in our cement blocks. "I'm too old. No one will hire me. Besides they can't pay me what I'm worth". "I can't start a new business because the last time I did, I lost so much money and I can't take that risk again". EXCUSES...EXCUSES. STOP IT!! As long as you continue to come of with reasons why NOT, you will NOT. Work everyday on changing your words. I CAN...I can accomplish anything I set out to do and have a better chance of succeeding because of the depth of my previous work and life experience.

• Forgive yourself for past failures – Guilt is a very strong emotion. And it is a normal response to a business failure or any other type of failure (especially if a large sum of money is involved).Guilt keeps you stuck in the past and prevents you from moving forward. Those dang cement blocks. When we have guilt because of a failure, we relive the experience over and over, each time coming out of it depressed and afraid to do anything to change our situation. The first step is to simply forgive yourself. Yes you failed. There you said it, you admitted it and the world continued to turn on its axis. Nothing you can do can change the outcome. It's happened. It's in the past and now your only lesson is to learn from it. 

• Surround yourself with positive people who are moving toward their dream – There's nothing worse than a "Debbie Downer". You know the kind of person who is constantly pooh-poohing your dreams. "That will never work!"..."I've tried that and it didn't work!"..."Don't waste your money on that, you will never succeed!"...We all know people who get great satisfaction out of quelching our dreams. That's why you MUST eliminate those people from your circle and surround yourself with people who are positive and supportive. The easiest way to remain stuck in cement blocks is to have negtive forces encourging you to stay stuck. Go out and start networking with groups of people who have the same interest as you. Join Facebook groups that encourage their members through positive posts and tips. Listen to motivational videos on You Tube. Turn to your spiritual leaders for inspiration. Read your Bible for scriptures that encourage. Bottom line? Find the positive all around you and keep the negative away.

• Stop the negative talk inside your head – Sometimes we are our most negative influence - right inside of our thoughts. We all experience doubt and fear. It's how we respond to it that will determine whether or not we will be able to step out of our cement blocks. Whenever you have a negative thought immediately begin reminding yourself of all of your successes from childhood forward. Practice reliving positive moments whenever you start to doubt and feel fear. Having had three children, I try to relive the day of their births and the flood of positive emotions that came over me the moment the doctor laid them on my chest. So when I start to tell myself that I will never reach my goals, I FORCE myself to think about positive moments and before I know it, I am again unstuck and able to move forward toward my dreams.

• Get up and get moving – This one was probably the hardest for me. I was so comfortable in my comfy chair, watching my favorite tv show and safely floating through each day that I was totally stuck. Should I get a job? No, I hadn't worked for anyone for over 20 years. The idea of having to answer to a boss was not feasible so I remained in the chair. Should I start another business? No, I failed so miserably at the last one, why would I take the risk, so I remained in the chair. Should I go back to school? No, I already have a BA in Journalism, I felt I was educated enough, so I remained in my chair. 

• So, how did I get up and get going? My son! One day, he stopped by and I was sitting in my chair where I'm sure I was every time he came over. I immediately begain talking about an email I was about to send, or an appointment I needed to finalize and he looked at me and laughed. He said, "Mom why don't you just admit it! You're done.  Done! Me? No way. I had been an entrepreneur for many years and before that I was a consultant and an employee. I always had something to do. But when he said that, I realized that he was right. If I didn't get up and start doing something toward my future, I would be done. I didn't want that. And neither do you. If you have been stuck in those blocks without a plan for getting out, start right now creating a plan to get moving. Go to school. Start a Business. Go back to work. Start today writing your plan to get moving NOW.

Remember, you have what it takes inside you to get out of the cement blocks holding you back. Make the decision today to kick off the blocks and change the course of the rest of your life. As I said, being 50Something is not a reason to DO NOTHING! Tap into the life experience and years of expertise you have and take that critical step toward a better you no matter what your age.

Do Something Every Day That Scares You

The alarm blasts at 6:00 am and you jump out of bed ready to take on the day.  You quickly dress, eat a hearty and healthy breakfast and sit at your desk to look at what’s on the schedule (of course like every proactive entrepreneur, you list your activities for the day the night before). As you gaze down the list you see the note to make a call to a highly influential prospect. You’ve been moving that call each day waiting for the right time to make the call. Okay, you say to yourself, this is the day I make THE call.

You piddle around all morning answering emails, texts and making some personal calls. Before you know it, It’s noon. You tell yourself that as soon as you return from lunch with a friend who is visiting from out of town you are going to return to your home office and make THE call. You go to lunch, which ends up lasting 2 ½ hours and then you remember you have to pick up the dry cleaning and stop at the store and by the time you get home it’s almost 5:00pm. And now, you have to start preparing dinner.

What do you do? You move that important call to the next day and before you know it a month has passed and you still haven’t made THE call.

Is this a familiar scenario? Do you find yourself making crazy excuses to get out of something that you don’t want to do or are afraid to do?

You are not alone!

Many times we put off doing the things that scare us. We keep calling the same five people because we know them and know that they will be nice and friendly (but they have no intention of doing business with us). We keep returning to a job we hate and we know are overqualified for because we don’t have to stretch and look for something that will challenge us to really bring it every day. We stay in unhealthy relationships because we don’t feel we deserve better… And the list goes on.

So how do we overcome our fear? For me, it was doing that one thing that would create momentum, which led to other things and the next thing I knew, I was experiencing great success. When I first started my interior design business, I had a grand opening and picked up one client (for wallpaper) and then had months of nothing! I somehow expected that people would come to me. So every day I’d wake up and wait for the phone to ring. It didn’t and I’d start anew the next day waiting for the same thing to happen.

What was I waiting for? I was waiting to be BRAVE enough to pick up the phone and make something happen. Or go out and put out some flyers. Or set up a booth at a home show. Anything other than waiting because I was too afraid of rejection to step out.

Well into my sixth month I was on a coaching call and was challenged to do something every day to move my business forward. That would include doing the things I was afraid to do. So I did, with the help of a very successful designer living in Virginia who was also in the franchise. I picked up the phone and that 500 pound nemesis quickly became normal size. One phone call led to a direct mail campaign which led to a home show which led to me joining a lead generation program and within months, I had gone from nothing to being so busy I barely had time to sleep. Once I got over the fear and wasn’t afraid of hearing the NOs (which I did hear) things began moving and I stopped making excuses.

In an article written by Fabienne Fredrickson, a business coach and mentor, she outlines four things you can do to overcome the fear in your business, career or personal life. Here is a summary of her four tips:

Take a no-excuses approach – Lose the excuses! You are NOT too busy. You DO have money to invest in a future for yourself! Your family WILL survive if you start your own business! You don’t have to wait until Johnny finishes high school or college! You are 50Something and you have given enough to everybody to do something for yourself. So DO it!

Feel the fear but do it anyway – The list of fears we create within ourselves is endless. For example, fear of rejection, fear of making mistakes, fear of losing it all, fear of the unknown, and on and on it goes. The list is huge. It’s a scary world. Especially if you’ve been in a job for 20 or 30 years and everything is familiar. Now you find yourself out of work (for whatever reason) and no more routine. It’s okay to be afraid of something different. I know I was. But when you do it, the exhilaration that follows is fabulous. Be afraid but do it anyway. The reward totally outweighs the fear.

Be willing to stretch beyond your comfort zone – We all love the safety of our comfortable little worlds. We go to the same places, talk to the same people, and drive the same route daily…STOP IT! If you want to experience success beyond where you are today, you must be willing to stretch yourself toward something bigger. 50Something-year-old Joel Martin (who you will meet next month) was comfortable in a very successful advertising business. She was comfortable but unfulfilled. She walked away and stretched herself to create a thriving global coaching and training business.

Take decisive action – DO something! It is not going to happen just because you want it to. Remember my experience of thinking every day that the phone would just ring because I wanted it too? You’ve got to make a decision to do the activities that lead toward success in whatever you do. I now have a business development and training business in the network marketing industry and there are some definite activities that I must do in order to grow my team. I have to do a certain number of presentations each week, talk to a certain number of people each day, attend a certain number of trainings, and on and on. Each day I have to DECIDE to do an activity that moves my business forward. When I do that on a consistent basis, my business grows. Make a decision to do the activities that move your career or business forward.

So what are some of your fears? Think about them and jot them down. And then do something EVERY day that scares you. 

Oh the Places You'll Go!

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...” ― Dr. Seuss

I was in the bookstore the other day looking for books for my 18-month-old granddaughter when I ran across the book “Oh the Places You’ll Go” by Dr. Seuss. I remember seeing the book when it was released but my kids were older and I didn’t bother to read it at that time. Well, I picked up the book and began reading and found myself reading one of the most motivating books I’ve read in a long time. A children’s book of all things!

If you are 50Something, you can learn much from this simple little book because it encourages you to make a move, get up and go instead of accepting the harsh realities of being 50Something in an economy that is steadily trying to exclude us from participation.

Are you being excluded? I hope not. I hope that you haven’t accepted your current plight and given up on choosing a new direction for your life. Whether you have currently been laid off, forced into retirement before you were financially ready, or just sick and tired of a boring career that brings you no satisfaction and lately not enough money to live the life you want to live, take this advice: Get a Plan B, C and D if necessary. Think “what’s my next step?” and then take it!

“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.” 

Of course stepping out may not be easy. It will take boldness and determination. But remember, you’re 50Something. You have years of experience and success behind you. You know what you are capable of doing. A little fear is fine so go ahead and take those steps towards what you have always wanted to do.

Here is a short list of women who after 50Something used their head and their feet, set their direction and decided where they would go. And boy did they get there!

Laura Ingalls Wilder, creator of Little House on the Prairie book series began writing the series at age 65.

Anna Mary Robertson Moses (Grandma Moses) began her painting career at age76 after her arthritis kept her from pursuing her first love of needlepoint.

Golda Meir became the Prime Minister of Israel at age 70.

Julia Child wrote her first cookbook at 49 and then made her television debut at age 51.

Dr. Hawa Abdi was awarded the Nobel Prize for her work in gynecology at age 65.

Sister Marion Irvine qualified for the Olympic marathon at age 54.

Franny Martin created Cookies on Call after a 30-year corporate marketing career with McDonald’s and Dominoes Pizza... She stepped out on her own at age 56.

Jill Boehler founded Chilly Jilly a wrap and scarf company at age 58.

Faloranso Alakija became the richest woman of color in the world at age 61. The Nigerian born entrepreneur is estimated to be worth 3.2 billion dollars.

Bridget Rahebe became the first female owner of a mining company at age 53.

There is nothing keeping any of us from achieving our wildest dreams. We just have to get up and GO! Think about the places you can go if you put your mind to it. Remember these women who did not let being 50Something hinder them from living extraordinary lives.

"You're off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting, so...get on your way!"

Don’t Get Mad. Get Busy!

I’m mad. Actually totally ticked off. No I haven’t been mistreated or done wrong. I am mad at myself for not accomplishing the goals I established for myself in 2013. There’s no real excuse, just baseless reasons for not putting my best foot forward every single day. Even if all I plan to do in a given day is rest and renew my mind and body at least do that excellently.

There are times when we all have our hands in so many things and are so scattered that we accomplish very little and are of little help to anyone who is depending on us.

So how do we get to a place of productivity and accomplishment?

Barbara Hannah Grufferman, author of “The Best of Everything after 50”, offers a fascinating solution, especially for women who are 50Something. She suggests that we create our own Board of Directors of friends and business associates who can hold us accountable to accomplish tasks that we have identified as important to us. She calls it her Kitchen Table and meets regularly with her group to discuss results and challenges of goals whether business-related or personal.

Accountability groups or whatever you want to call them are great ideas for new retirees who want to learn a new skill or take up a new hobby, or those over 50 who are unemployed and want to start a new venture or change careers.

Lindsay Agness, author of “Still 25 Inside”, also suggests that if you want to see your goals come to fruition, find yourself a partner who will help you set clear and concise goals. Here are her simple steps: (1) Write out what you want to accomplishment in the present tense. For example, if your goal is to have your own business, your goal might state, It is December 2014 and I have a thriving floral shop; (2) Test the clarity of your goals by having your partner ask you questions regarding what you want specifically, why you want to achieve your goal, where you are in relationship to your goal and the date of completion, how you will feel when you accomplish your goal, and finally what will you gain when you achieve your goal (lifestyle, reliable car, etc.). Completing this exercise should make it more clear what it is you want to do and how you will get it done.

Do you think these two suggestions can help you when you feel frustrated and unproductive? I do. I started off this conversation feeling upset with my lack of accomplishment. I now have some tools to use to keep moving forward and achieving the list of goals I have for myself and my team of business partners. I have my accountability group in place, a personal mentor and I’m looking to the future to some very awesome goals being realized!

50Something and Ready for a Change

TGIF! That’s an acronym heard much too often by those 8 to 5’ers who find themselves in a job they not only hate but one they are overqualified for and totally unfulfilled. There’s got to more, and there is, but for 50Something-year-old women that MORE is getting harder and harder to come by. According to a new Government Accountability Office study the number of long-term unemployed people age 55 and older has more than doubled since the recession began. More than a third of unemployed older workers have been out of work for more than a year, and 55 percent (1.1 million) have been unemployed for more than six months, up from 23 percent in 2007.

Yeah I know. Doom and Gloom. That’s one way you can look at these pesky statistics. Or, you can look at them as a SIGN. A sign that it is time for a change. And not necessarily for a job change. A life change.

Are you ready?

Here are some stories of 50Something-year-old women who embraced life change and have found success in their 50s and beyond:

Deborah Ramsey, opened Natural Wellness and Spa in Philadelphia in her mid-50s. She was inspired to start her own business after she had suffered through mutiple corporate layoffs. Deborah says her journey was not without the ups and downs of any new venture. In a recent article, Ramsey says if she had known how great the rewards of owning her business were, she would have started her business a long time ago. She acknowledges that fear and apprehension held her back until she decided to be in charge of her own destiny!

“I banished fear, apprehension and every other negative thought and emotion to a remote island.  When they try to revisit I don’t open that door because I’ve learned to put courage and confident where those negative things were. I believe more firmly now that we were created to eat and live from the work of our own hands,” she says.

Bridgette Raes, founder of Bridgette Raes Style Group, turned business failure in her 50s to a success (with all the emotion included). Raes started her consulting business during the early 2000s when the economy was booming and money in abundance. She had stepped out on faith from a career in fashion design to start her own firm.  Her business had a steady growth until the phenomenon that brought many businesses to their knees (including mine) happened.

The Crash!

Raes says the year that followed became the darkest most dignity-crushing, depressing year of her life. But, in failure she learned some lessons that are now key to her renewed success. She said failure took her back to the beginning – clean slate where she had nowhere to go but up. Failure brought her back to her passion of why she wanted to be an entrepreneur in the first place. Lastly, failure made her take a hard look at the things she did RIGHT.

Kate White’s, author of “I Shouldn’t be Telling You This” advice to women starting over in their 50s is “Every woman, regardless of how many decades she has been working, how much longer she plans to earn income and the job she happens to have at the moment, must be at the controls of her career. That means learning and growing from every job along the way and in the future.”

Her experience as an Avon Representative taught her lessons that she uses today to promote her blogs, books and other ventures. She says she meets far too many women who are stagnated in their careers and have no zest for what they do. They think just because they are in their 50Somethings they are stuck. But, White says we must always be managing our careers or life goals and create networks of people who can help us achieve the success we are seeking.

These three ladies have taken different paths to success after 50Something and if you are not feeling fulfilled in what you are doing, have been laid-off, downsized, resized, and all that other ugly stuff, it is time for a change. Connect with other women who are searching. Find a mentor and don’t accept what’s been thrown your way.

For more information on Success After 50Something, subscribe to this blog in the form to the right and receive a free copy of “10 Secrets to a Successful Life After 50Something!

*  Over 50 and Out of Work, Next Avenue Where Grownups Keep Growing, Better After 50

Entrepreneurial Transformation- 50Something and Starting Over

The house is quiet. Quieter than it’s ever been. No kids scrambling to get up and get out for school (that hasn’t been the case for years but you didn’t notice it)…no husband bumbling around, he’s already left early for work (he doesn’t want to appear that even though he’s older, he can keep up with the younger workers - he needs that job!)…or a husband who no longer is there for many reasons and now you’re going this life alone…Silence!

Just last week you were directing a staff of 40, sitting in your corner office, Madam VP of whatever. Or, you declared that you were sick of it all and retired only to find that you weren’t quite ready to deal with that whole fixed income thing. Either way, right now you’re walking around your quiet house feeling purposeless and silently grieving the passing away of 20 something years of working life. What the heck just happened?

Life happened. Either by choice or by making the decision one day that what you were doing wasn’t enough and now you need something more.

So, now what? Remember ladies, I said in my previous post, it isn’t over.

So now is the time you start the second half of what can be the best part of your life. Life after 50something!

I read the book Beyond Half Time* by Bob Buford a few years ago and it focused on living the second half of your life with significance and success. What I liked about the book was that it helped me to see that I could keep dreaming and aspiring beyond raising kids or finishing one career.

The road to finding yourself after 50Something is not always the easiest, but it is doubly rewarding the second (or third) time around. When we pool all of our experiences from our past, we are equipped to achieve more and help more people. Yes, it requires a little more energy (some days I just don’t want to do anything but bask in my past successes or failures), it requires more courage (when you are younger, the consequences of what we do are the furthest things from our minds), and it requires that we keep dreaming.

Lorraine Campman, 58-year-old founder of Music Oasis Lifelong Learning Center in Pennsylvania, says “Don’t let the music die inside of you.  If you have a dream, find a way of fulfilling that dream, and there are going to be rough spots in the road along the way, but you have to persevere, accept the help that’s available out there and do what you can to make it happen”.  She fulfilled her dream through breast cancer, financial woes and starting a new venture in her fifties.

I am one of those 50Somethingers who found my way through one business failure to now doing something of significance that I love. My business partner, Carolyn Johnson, who you will hopefully meet in future posts found tremendous business success in her late 50’s. We are everywhere, us 50Somethingers, and if you are one and want to live the second half with more significance and success, stay connected. As this community grows, we will all prosper and change together.

Stay tuned cause – it still is not over!

* Bob Buford now has a series called Half Time which provides spiritual guidance through Bible study and personal guidance for financial and professional success.